What I Wish People Understood About Domestic Violence
As someone who is all too familiar with it
It’s not always physical.
When we hear the words “domestic violence,” our minds often jump to images of a man screaming at his wife, punching holes in the wall, or beating his spouse until she’s covered in bruises.
I’ve known several women who have escaped situations like this. One writer friend of mine was physically abused by her ex-husband on numerous occasions, and she was even held at knife-point the day she escaped for good.
A young woman I mentored told me about her boyfriend grabbing her by the neck during a fight. Another friend told me the final straw was the day her husband yelled at her in front of her children. I have friends who have been beaten, threatened, and sexually assaulted by their spouses.
However, while physical abuse is a trademark of domestic violence, it is not the only indicator of an abusive relationship.
Domestic violence can also be:
Verbal
Verbal abuse falls into two categories: overt and covert.
Overt verbal abuse includes the derogatory use of insults, name-calling, and profanity (“idiot”, “retard,” “slut”, “bitch”, etc.).
Covert verbal abuse is more subtle but equally destructive. It includes (but is not limited to):
withholding important information from a spouse/partner
discounting the spouse/partner’s emotional experience (“You’re being too sensitive,” “It was just a joke!”, “You cry too much,” “You think you know everything, don’t you?”, etc.)
attacking a spouse/partner with false accusations (“You did that on purpose!”, “You know I don’t like it when you ___,” “You knew I had a temper when you married me!”, etc.)
criticizing, berating, or making judgmental statements (“You always have to have things your way, don’t you?”, “God, you’re so bad at that! Why do you even try?”, “She’s such a ditz, honestly. I don’t know what she’d do if I wasn’t here.”)
trivializing another person’s experience (“It wasn’t that big of a deal,” “I don’t understand what you’re so worked up about,” “Have you even bothered to think about how I feel?”, etc.)1
Emotional
Emotional and verbal abuse go hand-in-hand. You rarely witness one without the other.
While verbal abuse utilizes words as the weapon of choice, emotional abuse attacks the victim’s sense of worth and emotional well-being by depriving them of love and affection.
Emotional abuse includes the refusal to engage in healthy conflict resolution. Instead of exercising mature problem-solving skills in the mutual pursuit of a solution to a disagreement, emotional abusers:
ignore, avoid, or stonewall their spouse/partner
engage in passive-aggressive behaviour
refuse to acknowledge that they are upset (e.g. “Nothing’s wrong! I’m fine!”)
deny any fault, responsibility, or wrongdoing
This behaviour typically continues until either:
a) the spouse/partner placates the emotionally abusive person, or
b) the abuser vents his or her anger in a volatile, volcanic-like outburst
This type of abuse also includes emotional manipulation such guilt-tripping, blackmailing, and pity-seeking.
The goal of emotional abuse is to erode the victim’s personal boundaries and sense of self-worth until he or she invests all of his or her time and energy in the *bottomless* emotional needs of the abusive person.
Financial
Financial abuse includes:
withholding money from a spouse/partner for legitimate needs
depriving a spouse/partner of monetary gifts or treats for special occasions (Christmas, birthdays, anniversaries, etc.)
maintaining a separate bank account that only the abusive person has access to
holding double standards about “disposable income” and “wastefulness”
For example, one wife confided in me about the gross double standards her husband held regarding their finances.
He refused to consult her about major expenses, and if she spent money on something that he deemed unnecessary (e.g., turning the heat on in their bathroom), he accused her of being “wasteful,” even though he spared no expense for his physical comfort (e.g., blasting the A/C to keep the house at his preferred temperature).
Spiritual
In Ephesians 5:25-33, Paul gives a clear command to husbands regarding the proper treatment of their wives:
“Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved his church and gave himself up for her to make her holy. . . . In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body, just as Christ does the church. . . .
Each one of you must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.” (NIV)
In Corinthians 13:4-7, Paul outlines the attributes of godly love, all of which should be evident in a healthy marriage:
“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.”
Spiritual abuse disregards these commands and inverts these attributes.
A spiritually abusive person is:
impatient
unkind
envious
boastful
proud
dishonoring of others
self-seeking
easily angered
always keeping a record of wrongs (which they often pull out during arguments)
Furthermore, a spiritually abusive person:
condones immorality (such as gluttony, laziness, or sexual misconduct)
denies or ignores the truth
refuses to protect, trust, or care for the people entrusted to them
In marriages marked by domestic violence, spiritual abuse may also include:
threats of divorce,
the misapplication of Scripture (e.g., Ephesians 5:22-24: “Wives, submit yourselves to your husbands as you do to the Lord. . . . As the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.”),
and distorted theological claims:
“God wants us to be happy, and I’m not happy in this marriage.”
“I guess I’ll take my punishment at the pearly gates.”
“The folks at church say I should leave you.”
BOTTOM LINE: A person can be abusive without ever laying a hand on their spouse or partner.
Harsh words, emotional manipulation, and financial control are just as indicative of domestic violence as a slap in the face or a black eye.
Abusers are often charming.
Like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, abusive people often have two sides to their personality: a charming public persona and a monster who emerges behind closed doors.
A clever abuser ensures you see what they want you to see. They are Masters of Disguise, skilled at charming people and presenting themselves as the life of the party or the epitome of benevolence.
They are also adept at eliciting pity, which is often how their spouses/partners become emotionally entangled with them. An emotional abuser usually has a “tale of woe” designed to tug at the heartstrings of their empathetic victims, who take compassion on them and sympathize with their suffering.
I have yet to meet an abuser who did not have serious childhood trauma—and knew how to use it to their advantage.
Casual acquaintances may be shocked when an abused spouse/partner finally speaks out about their situation.
“I can’t believe that about so-and-so!” they might say. “He’s so nice/friendly/personable!”
Domestic violence happens within the Church . . . but it shouldn’t.
Regrettably, domestic violence is just as common among Christians as it is among non-Christians.
Most of the abusive people I’ve met have been self-professed Christians. (Granted, this is because I grew up in legalistic Christian social circles.) Worse still, many of these abusive “believers” have been actively involved in their local congregations, serving in prominent positions of leadership.
Why would abusers be drawn to the Church, an institution that promotes radical self-denial, sacrificial love, and compassion?
Because abusers love an audience, and they love having “power over” people.2 Both of these desires are easy to fulfill in a church setting.
The church is filled with people who place a high premium on kindness, humility, forgiveness, and compassion. Without discernment, gullible Christians can be easily fooled by “wolves in sheep’s clothing” (Matt. 7:15), who twist the teachings of Scripture and manipulate others for their own self-gratification.
BUT!
The Bible never condones abuse—not in a marriage, nor in the church. On the contrary, God has a lot to say about the abuse of power, and it ain’t pretty.
From God’s warning against Israel’s “false shepherds” in Ezekiel 34 to Jesus’ “Woes to the Pharisees” (Matt. 23; Lk. 11:37-54), the Bible makes it abundantly clear that God does not tolerate abuse of any kind, and he will punish those who refuse to repent of their mistreatment of others. Though gracious, compassionate, and abounding in love (Ps. 103:8), God in his divine justice never lets sin go unpunished.
God is ALWAYS on the side of the oppressed. Always.
“The LORD works righteousness and justice for all the oppressed.” (Ps. 103:6)
If you suspect that you may be in an emotionally or spiritually abusive relationship, I encourage you to seek professional help or consult a trusted friend.
If you would like to learn more about how to recognize a verbally or emotionally abusive relationship (and how to heal from one), please see my bibliography.3
For a complete list of the categories of covert verbal abuse, I highly recommend: Patricia Evans, The Verbally Abusive Relationship: How to Recognize it and How to Respond, Expanded 3rd Edition (Avon, Massachusetts: Adams Media, 2010), 81-100.
Ibid., 27.
The following are my top five reading recommendations for recognizing and healing from abusive relationships:
Beattie, Melody. Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself. Minnesota: Hazelden Publishing, 1992.
Evans, Patricia. Controlling People: How to Recognize, Understand, and Deal with People Who Try to Control You. Massachusetts: Adams Media, 2002.
Evans, Patricia. The Verbally Abusive Relationship: How to Recognize it and How to Respond, Expanded 3rd Edition. Massachusetts: Adams Media, 2010.
Rosenberg, Ross. The Human Magnet Syndrom: The Codependent Narcissist Trap. New York: Morgan James Publishing, 2019.
Tracy, Steven R. Mending the Soul: Understanding and Healing Abuse. Michigan: Zondervan, 2005.